2-A

Funny how life is. One moment you can be on top of your game and the next you are the worse piece of shit that has ever walked on this earth. I had an old boss that told me that you could design and build the golden gate bridge but if you suck one cock, you will always be known as a cock sucker! Profound words from a man that claims that he has been a millionaire several times in his life. My question to him should have been how many cocks have you sucked? This journey, this rebirth, this quest that I am on is not one of sadness, pain or loss it is simply a quest to become a better person.

Every person that is or has been in our lives has been there for some sort of reason. We do not know it at the time why they are there in the first place. It might be years later when we realize what the reason was. I have another friend that has been going through a rough patch. They were telling me tonight that they owe me a debt of gratitude for being there for them. That with out my support they would not have been able to get through this rough patch. My response was a simple one, I am just a tour guide showing or helping you on your way. It is friendship that is all it is. Then, I being to think about what that means. What not only what the words mean but what the action of that word means. I have had some rough patches myself, some friends have stayed and some have gone. Some I have had to cut ties with because of the unhealthy relationship. I have learned from all of my experiences. I have learned that friendship does not matter how long time has transpired, you pick up from where you have left off. That when your friend is in need you are there for them good or bad times. How do I know this, simple, I have a friend that I have known for over 37 years. He has been there for me in such a horrible time of need. He drove from North Carolina to South Florida to be there for me. When his mother passed on, it was like my own mother passing. I was there with out a question. It is an honor to have been there, it is honor to be his friend. But our relationship is more than that, I look at him as my brother that I never had. He has been there for such great times as well. He has been there for some really fucked up ones as well. Then there are the friends that you wonder, hum what ever happened to them. And along came facebook. Wow, the reconnection just keep on coming. I am so thankful for Facebook because it keeps me in touch with friends and family. I have friends that I have known since I was 6 or 7 and although time has past it is still just like yesterday.

Funny yet again, how some of you sit and read this and think either how sad or pathetic. Or, you might be thinking damn where the hell is his spell check and grammar check, you damn grammar nazi's! Then some of you sit there and laugh your asses off not only at the way I spell but at what I am saying. This blog is about my personal journey through what ever path g-d has for me. What my intentions are and I think I know what I need to do know to get there or their or they're you pick the right one. I know that every challenge I face or what ever the obstacle is that is in my path is to find balance in it. Look at it with the right eyes. Wait, that does not type right, what I mean is, hum lets see(excuse the pun). If the challenges you in a negative way, then it is the way you are looking at it. Simply change the way you look at things. Me sitting here and thinking about what son I might have had or my failed marriage does nothing but make me a cock sucker! Life is moving whether, or weather you like it or not. The more that we live in our past does nothing but make the future fly right by us. The only thing we can change is our path, our future, our view.

Yes, for the New Year you all could have made the resolution to be better human beings or better lovers or better ...What ever you did choose to do, ask yourself how many resolutions have you stuck to? Every obstacle that stands before can be either an attempt or hum whats that word again, oh yeah, QUIT! There are no such things as quitters, well now that I have read that again let me change something. There are such things as quitters but what you quit on is the difference. If you look at the obstacle and say nope I can't, well you can't. But what if you looked at it and said damn I am not afraid to try and fail so I can learn and that the next time I will know what to do. Not many of us do that at all. We all wallow in our shit when, well, the shit hits the fan. How many times or how many of you have said shit I need to learn from this I am done making these same mistakes over and over again. Just to find out that a couple of months goes by, and you are a cock sucker yet again. Something happens to you and BAM! WHAOS ME BOO HOO HOO. Hello, it is a test to see how you view what is happening to you. Next time something comes up and you feel that switch, you know that switch. The one that goes HEY FUCKER GAMES ON BAITCH! Check yourself first, control your mind. That reminds me, how many times do you say he/she did this and I ... We all sure give a lot of other people a lot of freaking power don't we. Awh emotions what a bitch, but that is a human trait, well at least for some of us.

My path has brought me to a learning path. I am absorbing and observing myself along with others. I am asking people that are close to me to tell me about me. Some of views may be in the shadows and our friends shine the light on them. I am finally realizing some of my issues (yes the LONG list not the cliff notes, thanx). But, here is the difference, I am trying to better myself as a human being. I see this cycle, this merry-go-fuck-me-round and changed my view! Is is like you being in a loud club or bar and you are telling that really embarrassing story or as you are about to let one rip, the music stops and everyone in an ear shot just heard. Instant clarity, but most would say to themselves or not, FUCK ME, that was embarrassing. Nope not I. That moment the light went on, like one of those really bright lights from the new cars headlight, wait off the subject...But that was the clarity that I got. Why I do certain things, and certain people's lives I want to model myself after. Being a great leader is not experience or knowledge, great leadership is some one that can have both and know how to use them effectively. It is also, working well under enormous pressure, leading by example, talking the walk and walking the talk!

Damn sorry the Buddhist Jew just came out of me on that one kids. Reflective is the mood today, and very proud that my team performed so well. But most of all, I am so fucking proud at how I performed. Not once did I lose my cool. I just kept telling myself, shut up cock sucker, and get it done ;)

I swear we will talk about cooking, one of these days, maybe :)

2

How fitting to change the Outline number for the New Year. What does it mean for a chef, plenty. In Florida, that is when season starts. That is when we do not see the light of day. We work no less then a 13 hour shift. We do not have days off. It puts a strain on what ever relationship you might have with someone. Or, It can destroy it. Right now, at this time, I am not in a relationship with anyone. I have been through a lot since the last post back in September 2009. I have moved on to another job. I am at a country club working as the executive chef. The parent company that owns us is all about the bottom line. But in today's economy who is not worried about it. It is crazy what is going on out there for the restaurant business. It is a bug company, a lot of room to advance. But, (and you knew there was going to be one of those in there)is this the right path. Recently, I found out some news about some one close to me. They are going through a life crisis and I am trying to see life through their eyes. I want to open my eyes. For how much longer will I be able to perform my job? I am 39, I have worked with guys that are in their sixties and still slinging shit. Do I want to be them? I always heard this one guy always say, "I do not need the money, I like what I do!" BULLSHIT than why did you take a paycheck if you didn't need the money? He worked cause he had to. While we worked together, one day he had a stroke not a bad one but bad enough. Do I really want to be him?

Back to relationships, I think I am realizing that the only true love I have is the restaurant business. There is nothing greater for me. No thrill more involved with so much emotions then when I am cooking. She has never done me wrong, she has always stood by me. She has never judged me, and she accepts me for who I really am. It would be tough for any woman to want to compete with that. But, there are, at least I think. The profession I love to do has the highest drug, alcohol and divorce rate than any other. Well, we flip flop back and forth with one other. I still think deep inside me that there is still hope out there. Maybe not for me but some other person to find "true love". I do not know if I will ever know what love is. My heart and my mind have been through a lot. I have caused a lot of pain as well, and my heart is heavy with that guilt as well. I have found out that I was once a father. That for five years I was told that he was lost, g-d's choice. I recently found that for five years that was not the truth. I found out that it was a human choice. I am not here to judge any one about the choice that they make. It was what g-d intended to happen. Yet there is some more details that are there that I can not talk about. But, what really keeps popping in my mind, "do I really want a child now at this time in my life." Then I think, who the hell is going to put up with my freaking hours. Then on to "no I can't make it to their function so and so called out I have to stay!" My ex wife always use to kid, "if I do get pregnant, He will end up getting stuck at the restaurant when the baby is due!" Balance = the big mystery....How do we find that balance to do what is right for those involved? How do you find that balance as a couple with or without kids? And if there are kids, then how do you not loose yourself at the same time? Life was SO MUCH easier when we were younger, at least for some of us.

The dilemma now, what am I suppose to do? I love what I do! I think I am pretty good at what I do, I am not the best and there are so many things I must learn. I want to push myself to be the best that I can be. But can I do this type of work when I am 70? What about 50?

So, this New Years, I have to reflect on my love, my passion and worse of all my finances. I have to budget myself so that I will not have to work when I should be relaxing. "Put the 90 hour work weeks in now so that when we are ... it is time to relax"! So, I have to better myself, become the best that I can be. Learn, grow, question and experience what I need to. Most of all, attack my fears head on first. The greater the challenge the greater the reward!

I guess next time maybe I will not be the Buddhist Chef, and I will just be a chef. We then all can chime in on our experiences with food and recipes. Happy 2010 to all!