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How fitting to change the Outline number for the New Year. What does it mean for a chef, plenty. In Florida, that is when season starts. That is when we do not see the light of day. We work no less then a 13 hour shift. We do not have days off. It puts a strain on what ever relationship you might have with someone. Or, It can destroy it. Right now, at this time, I am not in a relationship with anyone. I have been through a lot since the last post back in September 2009. I have moved on to another job. I am at a country club working as the executive chef. The parent company that owns us is all about the bottom line. But in today's economy who is not worried about it. It is crazy what is going on out there for the restaurant business. It is a bug company, a lot of room to advance. But, (and you knew there was going to be one of those in there)is this the right path. Recently, I found out some news about some one close to me. They are going through a life crisis and I am trying to see life through their eyes. I want to open my eyes. For how much longer will I be able to perform my job? I am 39, I have worked with guys that are in their sixties and still slinging shit. Do I want to be them? I always heard this one guy always say, "I do not need the money, I like what I do!" BULLSHIT than why did you take a paycheck if you didn't need the money? He worked cause he had to. While we worked together, one day he had a stroke not a bad one but bad enough. Do I really want to be him?

Back to relationships, I think I am realizing that the only true love I have is the restaurant business. There is nothing greater for me. No thrill more involved with so much emotions then when I am cooking. She has never done me wrong, she has always stood by me. She has never judged me, and she accepts me for who I really am. It would be tough for any woman to want to compete with that. But, there are, at least I think. The profession I love to do has the highest drug, alcohol and divorce rate than any other. Well, we flip flop back and forth with one other. I still think deep inside me that there is still hope out there. Maybe not for me but some other person to find "true love". I do not know if I will ever know what love is. My heart and my mind have been through a lot. I have caused a lot of pain as well, and my heart is heavy with that guilt as well. I have found out that I was once a father. That for five years I was told that he was lost, g-d's choice. I recently found that for five years that was not the truth. I found out that it was a human choice. I am not here to judge any one about the choice that they make. It was what g-d intended to happen. Yet there is some more details that are there that I can not talk about. But, what really keeps popping in my mind, "do I really want a child now at this time in my life." Then I think, who the hell is going to put up with my freaking hours. Then on to "no I can't make it to their function so and so called out I have to stay!" My ex wife always use to kid, "if I do get pregnant, He will end up getting stuck at the restaurant when the baby is due!" Balance = the big mystery....How do we find that balance to do what is right for those involved? How do you find that balance as a couple with or without kids? And if there are kids, then how do you not loose yourself at the same time? Life was SO MUCH easier when we were younger, at least for some of us.

The dilemma now, what am I suppose to do? I love what I do! I think I am pretty good at what I do, I am not the best and there are so many things I must learn. I want to push myself to be the best that I can be. But can I do this type of work when I am 70? What about 50?

So, this New Years, I have to reflect on my love, my passion and worse of all my finances. I have to budget myself so that I will not have to work when I should be relaxing. "Put the 90 hour work weeks in now so that when we are ... it is time to relax"! So, I have to better myself, become the best that I can be. Learn, grow, question and experience what I need to. Most of all, attack my fears head on first. The greater the challenge the greater the reward!

I guess next time maybe I will not be the Buddhist Chef, and I will just be a chef. We then all can chime in on our experiences with food and recipes. Happy 2010 to all!